What do you fear will happen the most?

I'm an avid "fight journaller" - by which I mean that I have a lot of notebooks with incredibly strange esoteric ramblings in them which are sometimes recognizably related to swordcraft, but often aren't.

When I fight journal, I focus a lot on goals and motivations. I know intimately what my North Star is, for example, and I hold it very close to my heart all the time. What I don’t do very often is really take a hard look at the shadow cast by that bright light so I can see what shape it is.

When you feel anxious, disappointed, lonely, frustrated, trapped, scared or angry during your journey, what is that shadow trying to tell you? What are the deepest fears you have behind your highest goals? How are they holding you back, and how are you going to take meaningful action to either address them or make peace with them so you can keep moving?

Here's a little bit about my stuff. 

I know that I really fear being disliked. I really fear abandonment. I really fear being misunderstood. I really fear harming others unintentionally. I don't think any of those are very uncommon, honestly, especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. 

One of the things that kept me back from fencing when I started in the SCA was some pretty unfortunate issues in the community at that time. I remember being a second or third-hand witness to interpersonal conflicts of absolutely brutal intensity - sometimes due to a lack of courtesy or honor on the part of one party or another, but often just because of years of critical failures in communication and excessive competitiveness that spiraled out of control. Most of those big personalities are gone, but I'm always a little afraid that it's a problem that might come back one day. 

I know that those fears absolutely impact what I'm confidently able to bring to the field when it's time to fight, and so now they're a problem for my fencing.  

"We're, uh... we're still getting beers later, right?"

Knowing that those are my fears, what can I do to make myself feel a bit more comfortable bringing some competitive spirit to the field while still trying to make sure I'm not contributing to a future problem?

1. Communicate clearly with my fencing partners to make sure we're on the same page about intensity, blow-calling, conventions, calibration, emotional state, etc.

2. Greet people warmly before the tournament and after the tournament so if I need my "game face" on during the proceedings, people understand that there is no personal issue. 

3. Assume the best intentions, work out problems as much as possible in practice time, encourage communication directly between impacted parties and not gossip, and politely but kindly communicate boundaries at appropriate moments. 

4. Appreciate that sometimes tournament experiences are not fun, even if they are rewarding, and not everyone has to go away smiling that day - but if they don't, that doesn't mean I did anything wrong. 

5. Trust that everybody else is also here to have a good fight, and that giving your best fight is a sign of mutual respect and admiration, not spite and aggression.

Maybe this won't solve every problem, but I hope it will help with some.